Lost in a Labyrinth

Do you know how much I miss you? No. You don't. You can't maybe. I don't even know if you are still alive or not. This is totally unfair. We had dreams together. Plans. A future. We never took for granted Allah's authority over us. We mentioned His holy name as much as we could and we were aiming Jannah together. What happened? Why is this punishment ya Rab? I can't understand. Verily I am weak and powerless before your decisions but I can't hold it any longer. I don't wanna sound protesting against you but I feel lost. All this silence from Bader's side is slowly freaking me out. It's been a month. No news. I miss him so much. Does he feel the same too? What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he gave up on me? What if he will not come back to me? I am completely destroyed. Inside and outside. I don't think I can ever love someone again.. My hands that he held are cold now. My eyes that he looked are wet. My body that he hugged before he's gone now shivers in destitute. My voice he used to adore is fading away. My smile is dying off. I am almost losing my whole self. It is extremely painful. Oh God please help me. Please don't let me go astray. Make me strong and faithful please. I want to get up for Fajr with him and go to bed after praying Isha knowing that my love is waiting for me there afterwards. I don't wanna get lost in my own thoughts labyrinth.. My chest is shrinking and I can't breathe. Ya Allah.. Unite us again for a good cause and a halal relationship. Ameen. 

My words are orphans now.

This is the 22nd day of your absence. I can't feel anything anymore. It's like we have never met and I was dreaming all those nice moments with someone named Bader. Do you feel what I am feeling too? Am I still coming to your mind at night or when you are up for Fajr? Does your hand goes to your phone and attempt to call me to have our traditional morning talk? How many days have you been counting and when did you give up adding up and up out of desperation? You are a man. You don't like drama. You must have stopped after a few days right? But I do count. I cannot stop counting. Because I will ask a total refund for each and every day of this torturous period. I will make you say 22 good mornings and 22 good nights. Will ask for twenty two times countless I love you's to compensate the times we are missing. I don't say if you come back but I want to say when you come back. You will, won't you? You have exceedingly  fulfilled your boyfriend duties already. Enough with annoying me as a boyfriend.  Now I want you to be my life partner, my husband and my half of deen. Where the heck are you all this time? Come back to me. Come back.. I am on my way to Samsun and every mile reminds me of our silly and enjoyable talks during the trip. Word game that we played and not surprisingly my victory. 😁 Still you were with me. Although you know you'd be beaten. Just to make me happy. I wanna be happy again 7abiby. My next word is "sabr" now. Yours must be "return" 

Am I waiting for you or this pain to end? This question I asked yesterday while we were together with my best friend and I was sobbing. This is so strange that I don't know if I still love you or a dream which ended upon the rising sun. We didn't have summer with you, my love. We have never seen the sun. Our story revolves around the moon. Full moon..

Still waiting..

18. Day. 18 days without you. When I named this blog I had no idea about how you'll be leaving my life but maybe instinctively I guessed it. First like a nightmare your voice left me. And now I feel that you left me completely. There has never been a day when you didn't call me but this war changed everything. Can you imagine how much it could hurt me trying to live nothing has happened to you? As if you never existed. As if we weren't here together just a month ago. How does this life trick us that I've seen clearly. It feels like everything is going perfect and will end fine soon. Then bam! It turns upside down in the most aching way. This could be the least expected thing that could have happened to us maybe. Who would take such a possibility into consideration in her relationship anyway? Do you happen to see someone saying "If there is no war, we'll get married" ? Well I haven't either. But I see that it can happen. By my own eyes and heart I see that only God's plan matters. This test.. It's destructive. I tried and tried to keep my calm. Turning back to my workplace by bus ATM. The roads I took with you and enjoyed. I cried a lot when I reached at family house. Even the house seemed unhappy. But you aren't around me so that I can share with you how I cried myself to sleep silently thinking about you and me. It is so difficult Bader.  Have you ever remembered me? Please God. Help me. Even though I am being dumped I want to learn what's going on.. 😔

Where are you?

Have you ever gone outside the bathroom in the middle of a shower and taken your phone with you just in case your boyfriend might call you? 

Have you cried yourself to sleep knowing that the last time you woke up in that bed your boyfriend was waiting you for breakfast?

Have you ever missed someone so much that you smelled his sweater before you go to sleep?

Have you ever put in a situation that everyone is asking you about your boyfriend because the last time he was with them he promised that he would come back again soon? And you have no answer.

I guess I am already over with feeling alone. I started to feel ashamed of myself. What am I waiting for? Who is he that never comes for me? Am I being fooled or what? Did we break up? Has he left me forever? I don't know anything because he hasn't called me for two weeks today. I feel like he got used to my absence. He's not trying at all. No news. Even exes see each other more. We are worse than separated couples. I can't stand it anymore. Maybe we aren't meant to be and this is a big sign... 

My tongue is no different than a thorn.

I am feeling dizzy since yesterday. Like I am stepping on the ground but about to fall down. The world is spinning without us noticing but I feel like I can sense its spin this time.

My eyes are all dried up. I am crying from inside and it gives my stomach a terrible pain. I eat but get nauseous instantly as if I didn't deserve that food at all. It gives me a guilt too when I enter the kitchen and cook on the same counter you chopped the vegetables for me. Where you carefully listened to my instructions and tried to apply them with a grin when I appreciated your enthusiasm about learning. This might sound crazy but I suppose no one has ever cried over dirty dishes and shed tears while doing them. I did. Because you learned how to do them with me for the first time. You were carefully watching me and then imitating like a cute child learning how to help his mom. His mom..
You said "Your mom is my mom now." I was jealous. I couldn't fathom the idea of sharing my mom with someone else. I thought you were just saying it. you were trying to impress me or to seem cuter but you were treating my mom as you said. When you asked me if you could hug my mom or not, I found it funny and weird. How come could you ask me that? If you feel it, you do it. No need to ask at all. But I forgot the different culture you were brought up in. IT was all different for you. Merging with the family, mixed genders every where, man shaking hands with woman and all that kissing hands and faces. They are different for you I know. So it was normal that you asked my permission to hug my mom. (Considering that you didn't ask my permission at all to hug me for the first time, huh!) I remember her calling you "my son" and I don't still understand what made her love you so quickly even though she doesn't know much about you. Well, I know you got angry at me about that but I had told her your kissing my feet and showing me utmost respect for I prayed standing up on my sick feet while healthy people are there to neglect theirs. My mom's eyes got watered and she accepted you in that very moment seeing you treating me like she could even imagine.

I can talk about these like hours and days and months maybe. I can put our two meeting and especially your last visit into words and wet this keyboard massively. But today, I only want to talk about my tongue. My trouble magnet tongue. Which stings anyone that comes along its way when it is upset. "I am hurt" you said. "It is hurting me." When I asked "who? me?" you said no but now I know it was me. It was me who talked about breaking up. It was me who told you about finding a Turkish guy and being impatient.
I cannot help my tears now because it just dawned on me that maybe you aren't calling me for a week because you left me for a better option in Turkey. I am stupid. I know I shouldn't talk when I am angry or upset. I got influenced of people around me asking about you and me and I am an idiot.

You told me I love you and I replied "I know". I KNOW!! What was I thinking oh God? It was my first time when I didn't say it back and I am sure it hurt you. I am sorry baby. I am sorry that I couldn't hold myself and lost my temper on you. I guess they are right. I am selfish. I think only I am in pain and want you to comfort me. I assume it is your fault to be in the war front and not calling me. Moreover I said many hurtful things to you again when you saw my messages and not replied me. I was waiting for a single message at least from you and you just didn't. You sent me a picture and got disappeared. Because I wanted you to send me a picture, that's all. I didn't care how you were feeling. I just cared about people around me. I easily got affected and my shaytan didn't let me believe in you. I needed that picture to show every one that you were really in Yemen. I am stupid. I am the most unthoughtful, meanest lover in the world. I wish I could make it up now. I wish you called me just now and I could cry how much I understood my mistake. Where are you now? What are you doing under God knows what conditions? Do you miss me? Do you cry as well when you remember our silly talks? Your foot chasing my foot while we are walking? Your running under the rain with me? Digging my food and liking it more? Waiting by my side in that deserted mosque while I was praying? Stopping the car to give me a hug? Texting me in the first morning you woke up in my parents' house "Baby, where are you? Please don't leave me alone. wake up."

... I cannot continue because I cannot stop crying. A student came in suddenly and saw me like this. I sent him away. I sent him away as in old times when we used to talk on the phone and I want privacy.. But now I am all alone. My privacy is only for I am ashamed of my tears.. Please call me 7abibi. Please..

Never Imagined This Would Hurt That Much

This I will make you read when you come back. IF you come back. This is the most unusual love story that could ever happen to someone. Allah swt is testing me in such a way that I cannot comprehend. The only way I react is by crying since 15 April. Noone is with me and only a few people know that you've been missing since then. I am at home sitting on the couch in dark and just crying loudly. My body is tired of sobbing. Even my muscles hurt. My head is spinning when I wake up. It has a pounding pain. All my body aches. My tears are like knives cutting my cheeks while going down.
Believe me I don't care the pain I am going through at the moment if in the end I will see you and hear about you, baby.
You were always there to remind me of nice things in life because I was always pessimistic. But now you left me with my Shaytan. I cannot think anything well. It's been 3 days just now since I last talked to you and heard your voice. Where are you? Why did you leave me like that? I remember our last talk and we both cried because we were worried about the circumstances in Abha. The network was lousy there because of the airplanes flying around. I hated the network as we couldn't even communicate with more than 5 consecutive words each.

NOW I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.

You called me when I was writing these lines and crying non-stop. I really had difficulty in hearing what you were saying but I could tell you that I love you one more time. You gave the worlds to me by your voice. We couldn't stop crying. You said you missed me so much. I missed you too, 7abiby. More than you can imagine. I now am sure that this is love. You doubled that love when you said "I promise you, I will come back. I will come back and put that ring on your finger, I promise." "I didn't care to live before but no I care about you and I care to live." These words are resonating in my mind. Although you told me many things, you were on the road. I couldn't hear you well and I could only hear your breathing hard because you were crying. May Allah swt bless you, safeguard you and bring you back to me safe and healthy IA.

When you said to me I HATE SAUDI! I know you were feeling so desperate and hopeless but Allah swt is with us. I am still sad too but I am also confident about the fact that my Lord never forgets or abondons his slaves. He will be protecting you and other medical staff there with you.

Hold on my king. Pray and Have Sabr. "Indeed Allah swt is with us."