I am feeling dizzy since yesterday. Like I am stepping on the ground but about to fall down. The world is spinning without us noticing but I feel like I can sense its spin this time.
My eyes are all dried up. I am crying from inside and it gives my stomach a terrible pain. I eat but get nauseous instantly as if I didn't deserve that food at all. It gives me a guilt too when I enter the kitchen and cook on the same counter you chopped the vegetables for me. Where you carefully listened to my instructions and tried to apply them with a grin when I appreciated your enthusiasm about learning. This might sound crazy but I suppose no one has ever cried over dirty dishes and shed tears while doing them. I did. Because you learned how to do them with me for the first time. You were carefully watching me and then imitating like a cute child learning how to help his mom. His mom..
You said "Your mom is my mom now." I was jealous. I couldn't fathom the idea of sharing my mom with someone else. I thought you were just saying it. you were trying to impress me or to seem cuter but you were treating my mom as you said. When you asked me if you could hug my mom or not, I found it funny and weird. How come could you ask me that? If you feel it, you do it. No need to ask at all. But I forgot the different culture you were brought up in. IT was all different for you. Merging with the family, mixed genders every where, man shaking hands with woman and all that kissing hands and faces. They are different for you I know. So it was normal that you asked my permission to hug my mom. (Considering that you didn't ask my permission at all to hug me for the first time, huh!) I remember her calling you "my son" and I don't still understand what made her love you so quickly even though she doesn't know much about you. Well, I know you got angry at me about that but I had told her your kissing my feet and showing me utmost respect for I prayed standing up on my sick feet while healthy people are there to neglect theirs. My mom's eyes got watered and she accepted you in that very moment seeing you treating me like she could even imagine.
I can talk about these like hours and days and months maybe. I can put our two meeting and especially your last visit into words and wet this keyboard massively. But today, I only want to talk about my tongue. My trouble magnet tongue. Which stings anyone that comes along its way when it is upset. "I am hurt" you said. "It is hurting me." When I asked "who? me?" you said no but now I know it was me. It was me who talked about breaking up. It was me who told you about finding a Turkish guy and being impatient.
I cannot help my tears now because it just dawned on me that maybe you aren't calling me for a week because you left me for a better option in Turkey. I am stupid. I know I shouldn't talk when I am angry or upset. I got influenced of people around me asking about you and me and I am an idiot.
You told me I love you and I replied "I know". I KNOW!! What was I thinking oh God? It was my first time when I didn't say it back and I am sure it hurt you. I am sorry baby. I am sorry that I couldn't hold myself and lost my temper on you. I guess they are right. I am selfish. I think only I am in pain and want you to comfort me. I assume it is your fault to be in the war front and not calling me. Moreover I said many hurtful things to you again when you saw my messages and not replied me. I was waiting for a single message at least from you and you just didn't. You sent me a picture and got disappeared. Because I wanted you to send me a picture, that's all. I didn't care how you were feeling. I just cared about people around me. I easily got affected and my shaytan didn't let me believe in you. I needed that picture to show every one that you were really in Yemen. I am stupid. I am the most unthoughtful, meanest lover in the world. I wish I could make it up now. I wish you called me just now and I could cry how much I understood my mistake. Where are you now? What are you doing under God knows what conditions? Do you miss me? Do you cry as well when you remember our silly talks? Your foot chasing my foot while we are walking? Your running under the rain with me? Digging my food and liking it more? Waiting by my side in that deserted mosque while I was praying? Stopping the car to give me a hug? Texting me in the first morning you woke up in my parents' house "Baby, where are you? Please don't leave me alone. wake up."
... I cannot continue because I cannot stop crying. A student came in suddenly and saw me like this. I sent him away. I sent him away as in old times when we used to talk on the phone and I want privacy.. But now I am all alone. My privacy is only for I am ashamed of my tears.. Please call me 7abibi. Please..
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