Lost in a Labyrinth

Do you know how much I miss you? No. You don't. You can't maybe. I don't even know if you are still alive or not. This is totally unfair. We had dreams together. Plans. A future. We never took for granted Allah's authority over us. We mentioned His holy name as much as we could and we were aiming Jannah together. What happened? Why is this punishment ya Rab? I can't understand. Verily I am weak and powerless before your decisions but I can't hold it any longer. I don't wanna sound protesting against you but I feel lost. All this silence from Bader's side is slowly freaking me out. It's been a month. No news. I miss him so much. Does he feel the same too? What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he gave up on me? What if he will not come back to me? I am completely destroyed. Inside and outside. I don't think I can ever love someone again.. My hands that he held are cold now. My eyes that he looked are wet. My body that he hugged before he's gone now shivers in destitute. My voice he used to adore is fading away. My smile is dying off. I am almost losing my whole self. It is extremely painful. Oh God please help me. Please don't let me go astray. Make me strong and faithful please. I want to get up for Fajr with him and go to bed after praying Isha knowing that my love is waiting for me there afterwards. I don't wanna get lost in my own thoughts labyrinth.. My chest is shrinking and I can't breathe. Ya Allah.. Unite us again for a good cause and a halal relationship. Ameen. 

My words are orphans now.

This is the 22nd day of your absence. I can't feel anything anymore. It's like we have never met and I was dreaming all those nice moments with someone named Bader. Do you feel what I am feeling too? Am I still coming to your mind at night or when you are up for Fajr? Does your hand goes to your phone and attempt to call me to have our traditional morning talk? How many days have you been counting and when did you give up adding up and up out of desperation? You are a man. You don't like drama. You must have stopped after a few days right? But I do count. I cannot stop counting. Because I will ask a total refund for each and every day of this torturous period. I will make you say 22 good mornings and 22 good nights. Will ask for twenty two times countless I love you's to compensate the times we are missing. I don't say if you come back but I want to say when you come back. You will, won't you? You have exceedingly  fulfilled your boyfriend duties already. Enough with annoying me as a boyfriend.  Now I want you to be my life partner, my husband and my half of deen. Where the heck are you all this time? Come back to me. Come back.. I am on my way to Samsun and every mile reminds me of our silly and enjoyable talks during the trip. Word game that we played and not surprisingly my victory. 😁 Still you were with me. Although you know you'd be beaten. Just to make me happy. I wanna be happy again 7abiby. My next word is "sabr" now. Yours must be "return" 

Am I waiting for you or this pain to end? This question I asked yesterday while we were together with my best friend and I was sobbing. This is so strange that I don't know if I still love you or a dream which ended upon the rising sun. We didn't have summer with you, my love. We have never seen the sun. Our story revolves around the moon. Full moon..

Still waiting..

18. Day. 18 days without you. When I named this blog I had no idea about how you'll be leaving my life but maybe instinctively I guessed it. First like a nightmare your voice left me. And now I feel that you left me completely. There has never been a day when you didn't call me but this war changed everything. Can you imagine how much it could hurt me trying to live nothing has happened to you? As if you never existed. As if we weren't here together just a month ago. How does this life trick us that I've seen clearly. It feels like everything is going perfect and will end fine soon. Then bam! It turns upside down in the most aching way. This could be the least expected thing that could have happened to us maybe. Who would take such a possibility into consideration in her relationship anyway? Do you happen to see someone saying "If there is no war, we'll get married" ? Well I haven't either. But I see that it can happen. By my own eyes and heart I see that only God's plan matters. This test.. It's destructive. I tried and tried to keep my calm. Turning back to my workplace by bus ATM. The roads I took with you and enjoyed. I cried a lot when I reached at family house. Even the house seemed unhappy. But you aren't around me so that I can share with you how I cried myself to sleep silently thinking about you and me. It is so difficult Bader.  Have you ever remembered me? Please God. Help me. Even though I am being dumped I want to learn what's going on.. 😔

Where are you?

Have you ever gone outside the bathroom in the middle of a shower and taken your phone with you just in case your boyfriend might call you? 

Have you cried yourself to sleep knowing that the last time you woke up in that bed your boyfriend was waiting you for breakfast?

Have you ever missed someone so much that you smelled his sweater before you go to sleep?

Have you ever put in a situation that everyone is asking you about your boyfriend because the last time he was with them he promised that he would come back again soon? And you have no answer.

I guess I am already over with feeling alone. I started to feel ashamed of myself. What am I waiting for? Who is he that never comes for me? Am I being fooled or what? Did we break up? Has he left me forever? I don't know anything because he hasn't called me for two weeks today. I feel like he got used to my absence. He's not trying at all. No news. Even exes see each other more. We are worse than separated couples. I can't stand it anymore. Maybe we aren't meant to be and this is a big sign...