My tongue is no different than a thorn.

I am feeling dizzy since yesterday. Like I am stepping on the ground but about to fall down. The world is spinning without us noticing but I feel like I can sense its spin this time.

My eyes are all dried up. I am crying from inside and it gives my stomach a terrible pain. I eat but get nauseous instantly as if I didn't deserve that food at all. It gives me a guilt too when I enter the kitchen and cook on the same counter you chopped the vegetables for me. Where you carefully listened to my instructions and tried to apply them with a grin when I appreciated your enthusiasm about learning. This might sound crazy but I suppose no one has ever cried over dirty dishes and shed tears while doing them. I did. Because you learned how to do them with me for the first time. You were carefully watching me and then imitating like a cute child learning how to help his mom. His mom..
You said "Your mom is my mom now." I was jealous. I couldn't fathom the idea of sharing my mom with someone else. I thought you were just saying it. you were trying to impress me or to seem cuter but you were treating my mom as you said. When you asked me if you could hug my mom or not, I found it funny and weird. How come could you ask me that? If you feel it, you do it. No need to ask at all. But I forgot the different culture you were brought up in. IT was all different for you. Merging with the family, mixed genders every where, man shaking hands with woman and all that kissing hands and faces. They are different for you I know. So it was normal that you asked my permission to hug my mom. (Considering that you didn't ask my permission at all to hug me for the first time, huh!) I remember her calling you "my son" and I don't still understand what made her love you so quickly even though she doesn't know much about you. Well, I know you got angry at me about that but I had told her your kissing my feet and showing me utmost respect for I prayed standing up on my sick feet while healthy people are there to neglect theirs. My mom's eyes got watered and she accepted you in that very moment seeing you treating me like she could even imagine.

I can talk about these like hours and days and months maybe. I can put our two meeting and especially your last visit into words and wet this keyboard massively. But today, I only want to talk about my tongue. My trouble magnet tongue. Which stings anyone that comes along its way when it is upset. "I am hurt" you said. "It is hurting me." When I asked "who? me?" you said no but now I know it was me. It was me who talked about breaking up. It was me who told you about finding a Turkish guy and being impatient.
I cannot help my tears now because it just dawned on me that maybe you aren't calling me for a week because you left me for a better option in Turkey. I am stupid. I know I shouldn't talk when I am angry or upset. I got influenced of people around me asking about you and me and I am an idiot.

You told me I love you and I replied "I know". I KNOW!! What was I thinking oh God? It was my first time when I didn't say it back and I am sure it hurt you. I am sorry baby. I am sorry that I couldn't hold myself and lost my temper on you. I guess they are right. I am selfish. I think only I am in pain and want you to comfort me. I assume it is your fault to be in the war front and not calling me. Moreover I said many hurtful things to you again when you saw my messages and not replied me. I was waiting for a single message at least from you and you just didn't. You sent me a picture and got disappeared. Because I wanted you to send me a picture, that's all. I didn't care how you were feeling. I just cared about people around me. I easily got affected and my shaytan didn't let me believe in you. I needed that picture to show every one that you were really in Yemen. I am stupid. I am the most unthoughtful, meanest lover in the world. I wish I could make it up now. I wish you called me just now and I could cry how much I understood my mistake. Where are you now? What are you doing under God knows what conditions? Do you miss me? Do you cry as well when you remember our silly talks? Your foot chasing my foot while we are walking? Your running under the rain with me? Digging my food and liking it more? Waiting by my side in that deserted mosque while I was praying? Stopping the car to give me a hug? Texting me in the first morning you woke up in my parents' house "Baby, where are you? Please don't leave me alone. wake up."

... I cannot continue because I cannot stop crying. A student came in suddenly and saw me like this. I sent him away. I sent him away as in old times when we used to talk on the phone and I want privacy.. But now I am all alone. My privacy is only for I am ashamed of my tears.. Please call me 7abibi. Please..

Never Imagined This Would Hurt That Much

This I will make you read when you come back. IF you come back. This is the most unusual love story that could ever happen to someone. Allah swt is testing me in such a way that I cannot comprehend. The only way I react is by crying since 15 April. Noone is with me and only a few people know that you've been missing since then. I am at home sitting on the couch in dark and just crying loudly. My body is tired of sobbing. Even my muscles hurt. My head is spinning when I wake up. It has a pounding pain. All my body aches. My tears are like knives cutting my cheeks while going down.
Believe me I don't care the pain I am going through at the moment if in the end I will see you and hear about you, baby.
You were always there to remind me of nice things in life because I was always pessimistic. But now you left me with my Shaytan. I cannot think anything well. It's been 3 days just now since I last talked to you and heard your voice. Where are you? Why did you leave me like that? I remember our last talk and we both cried because we were worried about the circumstances in Abha. The network was lousy there because of the airplanes flying around. I hated the network as we couldn't even communicate with more than 5 consecutive words each.

NOW I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.

You called me when I was writing these lines and crying non-stop. I really had difficulty in hearing what you were saying but I could tell you that I love you one more time. You gave the worlds to me by your voice. We couldn't stop crying. You said you missed me so much. I missed you too, 7abiby. More than you can imagine. I now am sure that this is love. You doubled that love when you said "I promise you, I will come back. I will come back and put that ring on your finger, I promise." "I didn't care to live before but no I care about you and I care to live." These words are resonating in my mind. Although you told me many things, you were on the road. I couldn't hear you well and I could only hear your breathing hard because you were crying. May Allah swt bless you, safeguard you and bring you back to me safe and healthy IA.

When you said to me I HATE SAUDI! I know you were feeling so desperate and hopeless but Allah swt is with us. I am still sad too but I am also confident about the fact that my Lord never forgets or abondons his slaves. He will be protecting you and other medical staff there with you.

Hold on my king. Pray and Have Sabr. "Indeed Allah swt is with us."